My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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