Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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