Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
