he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Someone came in the potted fern
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
