I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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