Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
