he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
