Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I met the friendliest cop last night
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
