When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
