If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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