i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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