The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
