i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
