dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
