Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
