i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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