True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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