he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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