God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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