I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
