This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
