Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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