I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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