I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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