I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
