Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
