it's not cheating when I paid for it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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