I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I FOUND THE LEGS
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
