Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
