dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize