I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
