Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
