Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
