Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
