turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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