I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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