Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
