I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
