Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
