It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
