i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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