You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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