i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
