just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Randomize
