i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
