nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
