Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
