Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
