man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
