sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
