9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
