we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
