Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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