He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
