one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize