What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
